I’m quite certain I would find everything tolerable at any given moment had I not been utterly persuaded, by everyone whose words speak louder than all other, that it is not comprehensible how situations, and people in those situations, can make you believe you unworthy to yourself. Not feeling worthy to yourself can not, by any chance, possibility or parallel universe, make you feel worthy to all others. I have started thinking that I am starting to lose my mind because of vanity of people who state it constitutionally, for themselves, they have as much vanity as does a single leaf of grass. Trust is not crass, and one simply cannot believe grassy or crass ones based on nothing more but on their word.
My mind is all screwed up thanks to one person who I thought I could have always trusted. That person told me I was a lousy judge of character, and I believed her. Now, I don’t trust my own judgement, which proves, again and again, to be correct (after some time, not instantaneously).
There, I saw someone a lot of years ago, and thought of that person as vain as Vronsky, but then that other person told me I was a lousy judge of character. Then, years later, I stop being friends with that ‘lousy judge of character’ person, and start working for that Vronskyesque type of person. And, I don’t believe my judgement. I can see, clearly as though looking from a sea shore after a violent storm, that Vronskyesque person is just that - vain and spiteful. And I do not stop to think about myself not believing my own reason. And then, year and a half later, I finally do. But, I have nowhere to turn to. Even the smallest paycheck is, after all, a paycheck, an with no other job at sight, it is the only one that is. in foreseeable future, going to pay the bills. And there it is. It all comes back to that. Money. And I started by trying to understand human nature.
Is it possible that human nature has evolved in such a horrific way that it centers itself around money? I don’t wish to believe so, but, as I said, I think that I am starting to lose my mind. So, never mind me. I might, after all be, someones ‘Vronskyesque’ or, on the other hand ’ you’re a lousy judge of character’ person.